menuthe

A day for our angels…

My stair steps: 🧑🏾‍🦱7 🧑🏾‍🦱6 👧🏽5 🧑🏾‍🦱4 🧑🏻2 👶🏻almost 1. It’s impossible to see them together and not see the gap, my missing angel Gabriel, the 👦🏽3 that should be there with them. I imagine he’d have already outgrown Khalil, since Rora is on her way there. I imagine him with Elie’s beautiful brown skin and his daddy’s dark brown eyes. I imagine his big brothers would have taught him to be just as wild and free. I imagine he would have doted over Rora the same way she has over IJ. I imagine his whole life here.

Ever since we miscarried and then welcomed Khalil home so soon after, I’ve often tried to see reason in that timing, telling myself that without the loss of one son, I wouldn’t have the joy of another. But I realized recently in talking with Liam that I don’t really believe that. I was just trying to provide some rationale to my inexplicable grief. The truth is the call for Khalil would have still come that summer if we hadn’t lost Gabriel. I’d have been pregnant, just as I was when the call for Ty and Louis came, and we’d have said yes, just as we did then because that’s what we signed up for, because a child needed a home and we had an open bed.

The realization and acceptance that I so easily could have had all my children here with me is gut wrenching. I didn’t understand how much of my grief had been managed with that flawed, desperate explanation. I feel like I’ve reopened the wound once again. But the fact is this isn’t a wound that will ever fully heal while I’m here on Earth. It’s human to try to find logic in loss, but we will never truly know the reason. We will never truly know God’s perfect plan for our lives. Faith lies in trusting those unknowns, and still believing He is good, still believing He will provide. Faith lies in entrusting him with our grief, our confusion, our anger, our pain, and letting Him work in our heart to overcome it.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day for our angels who flew to heaven too soon. If you are a parent left behind walking this path, know you are not alone. I am very much in the midst with you. I pray for you. I grieve with you. I await our heavenly reunion. 💙💗

Add a comment...

Your email is never published or shared. Required fields are marked *